I had originally started writing this post with the title "rough days" but then that rough day I was having last week turned in to a rough 10 days. I know that this blog is still very new and there aren't many posts on it, but I think this post will help you get a much better look at who I really am.
One of the biggest things that I am dealing with in my life right now is anxiety. I think a lot of times when people think of anxiety, they think of crippling anxiety that keeps you from leaving your room, public panic attacks, and skittish people. And sure, that might be anxiety for some people, but for me, it's like a flame. Think of your furnace in the winter. The pilot light is always on, but the furnace only goes on full blast every once in a while. That's what my anxiety is like. There are times throughout the day when I catch myself doing something or acting a certain way because I'm avoiding things that trigger my anxiety. Some days my anxiety is hardly there, but other days, the little things add up and I hit a wall. My anxiety kicks into high gear and it takes me a while to wind back down to my normal level.
Last weekend I started feeling a little sick. I thought it was just my allergies acting up since the family I babysit for has a cat and the temperature was finally getting above freezing. I was nervous though, as one of my friends had just been diagnosed with the flu the day before. By Sunday I had a full on cold and stayed up until 5 AM writing an Econ paper. Needless to say, Monday was ROUGH. NyQuil Severe, 3 hours of sleep, Finance midterms, and colds do not mix well. 0/10 would recommend. I "caught up" on my sleep that afternoon but was left feeling completely out of whack. Tuesday I felt completely recovered from my cold and ready for Valentine's Day, but I woke up Wednesday morning on the wronggggg side of the bed. I was in a mood all day, and then 4PM hit me with such bad nausea I had to skip my night class to lay on the floor of my shower. My teacher probably thought I was skipping to go on a date... haha not quite.
Nausea is my worst nightmare. For the past year and a half, I've been really struggling with feeling sick all the time. There's a difference between this and actual nausea though. This is just a "something doesn't feel quite right" feeling. I never actually get sick, but I feel like garbage until I can sleep it off. The worst part about it is that I know the reason it affects me so much is because of my anxiety. As soon as I feel a little off, I get anxious that it'll spiral into a full blow shower-laying nausea, which only makes me feel 100x worse. Sometimes I get to the point where I can't even eat anything because I'm so nervous that whatever I eat will make me feel sick and send me into an episode. That's where I was all last week.
This usually makes me feel really bad about myself because I hate letting my anxiety get out of control. Like many people who suffer from anxiety, I'm a control freak. When my anxiety gets out of control, it makes me really angry and I panic. Combine this with the fact that I'm really hard on myself regarding pretty much everything, anxiety, schoolwork, work work, my personal life, my finances - everything, I usually end up majorly slacking on self-care.
This week in therapy (yes, I go to therapy. You think I could deal with this sh*t on my own?!) I realized that I'm really bad at self-care. I always thought that me watching Netflix and having "Jordan's Night In" every weekend was good self-care, but this week my therapist told me that in order for it to be productive, I have to allow myself to enjoy that time. Usually, when I'm watching Netflix or reading for pleasure, the entire time I'm thinking about all of the other much more important things I should be doing instead of wasting my time on the internet. I get very judgmental towards myself. I also am hard on myself when it comes to tough weeks. Sure, I was sick last week and had four midterms this week, but I go to a private college that's safe, and I have many friends that care about me. I shouldn't be complaining. Well, that's another thing my therapist told me, you have to let yourself recognize your struggles, and relax after a hard week.
I'm a chronic over-committer. I use Google Calendar to obsessively schedule every moment of my life. Monday - Thursday I'm usually busy with a meeting, class, work, or an extracurricular from 9am to 9pm. And no, none of that is time spent doing schoolwork, that comes after 9pm during my "free time." As I'm sure you can imagine, by Thursday night after dance practice, I'm completely burnt out and exhausted. Actually, I usually reach this point by Tuesday night and have to rely on autopilot to get through Wednesday and Thursday.
Is this healthy? No. But there is nothing in my life that I want to cut out. So instead of cutting any of my activities or studies, I need to cut the anxiety. Because that is, by FAR, what exhausts me the most.
I feel like a lot of people don't really talk openly about their mental health, but I feel like it's something that literally everyone struggles with, so I'm super open about it. I hope that by sharing my struggles with my friends, and now on here, I make people feel more normal and relaxed about their issues. I couldn't care less that all my friends know I go to therapy. I'm not ashamed of it at all. It's something I look forward to because I know it will get me one step closer to figuring out how my brain works. Talking about my anxiety is going to be a big part of this blog. It's something I would want to read, so that's why I'm publishing it here. If someone else can read that sometimes I feel like I'm in a car that I can't steer and relate or find comfort in that, then I'll feel like I'm doing something right.
Feel free to comment down below with any question or suggestions you might have, I'd be happy to answer them!
One of the biggest things that I am dealing with in my life right now is anxiety. I think a lot of times when people think of anxiety, they think of crippling anxiety that keeps you from leaving your room, public panic attacks, and skittish people. And sure, that might be anxiety for some people, but for me, it's like a flame. Think of your furnace in the winter. The pilot light is always on, but the furnace only goes on full blast every once in a while. That's what my anxiety is like. There are times throughout the day when I catch myself doing something or acting a certain way because I'm avoiding things that trigger my anxiety. Some days my anxiety is hardly there, but other days, the little things add up and I hit a wall. My anxiety kicks into high gear and it takes me a while to wind back down to my normal level.
Last weekend I started feeling a little sick. I thought it was just my allergies acting up since the family I babysit for has a cat and the temperature was finally getting above freezing. I was nervous though, as one of my friends had just been diagnosed with the flu the day before. By Sunday I had a full on cold and stayed up until 5 AM writing an Econ paper. Needless to say, Monday was ROUGH. NyQuil Severe, 3 hours of sleep, Finance midterms, and colds do not mix well. 0/10 would recommend. I "caught up" on my sleep that afternoon but was left feeling completely out of whack. Tuesday I felt completely recovered from my cold and ready for Valentine's Day, but I woke up Wednesday morning on the wronggggg side of the bed. I was in a mood all day, and then 4PM hit me with such bad nausea I had to skip my night class to lay on the floor of my shower. My teacher probably thought I was skipping to go on a date... haha not quite.
Nausea is my worst nightmare. For the past year and a half, I've been really struggling with feeling sick all the time. There's a difference between this and actual nausea though. This is just a "something doesn't feel quite right" feeling. I never actually get sick, but I feel like garbage until I can sleep it off. The worst part about it is that I know the reason it affects me so much is because of my anxiety. As soon as I feel a little off, I get anxious that it'll spiral into a full blow shower-laying nausea, which only makes me feel 100x worse. Sometimes I get to the point where I can't even eat anything because I'm so nervous that whatever I eat will make me feel sick and send me into an episode. That's where I was all last week.
This usually makes me feel really bad about myself because I hate letting my anxiety get out of control. Like many people who suffer from anxiety, I'm a control freak. When my anxiety gets out of control, it makes me really angry and I panic. Combine this with the fact that I'm really hard on myself regarding pretty much everything, anxiety, schoolwork, work work, my personal life, my finances - everything, I usually end up majorly slacking on self-care.
This week in therapy (yes, I go to therapy. You think I could deal with this sh*t on my own?!) I realized that I'm really bad at self-care. I always thought that me watching Netflix and having "Jordan's Night In" every weekend was good self-care, but this week my therapist told me that in order for it to be productive, I have to allow myself to enjoy that time. Usually, when I'm watching Netflix or reading for pleasure, the entire time I'm thinking about all of the other much more important things I should be doing instead of wasting my time on the internet. I get very judgmental towards myself. I also am hard on myself when it comes to tough weeks. Sure, I was sick last week and had four midterms this week, but I go to a private college that's safe, and I have many friends that care about me. I shouldn't be complaining. Well, that's another thing my therapist told me, you have to let yourself recognize your struggles, and relax after a hard week.
I'm a chronic over-committer. I use Google Calendar to obsessively schedule every moment of my life. Monday - Thursday I'm usually busy with a meeting, class, work, or an extracurricular from 9am to 9pm. And no, none of that is time spent doing schoolwork, that comes after 9pm during my "free time." As I'm sure you can imagine, by Thursday night after dance practice, I'm completely burnt out and exhausted. Actually, I usually reach this point by Tuesday night and have to rely on autopilot to get through Wednesday and Thursday.
Is this healthy? No. But there is nothing in my life that I want to cut out. So instead of cutting any of my activities or studies, I need to cut the anxiety. Because that is, by FAR, what exhausts me the most.
I feel like a lot of people don't really talk openly about their mental health, but I feel like it's something that literally everyone struggles with, so I'm super open about it. I hope that by sharing my struggles with my friends, and now on here, I make people feel more normal and relaxed about their issues. I couldn't care less that all my friends know I go to therapy. I'm not ashamed of it at all. It's something I look forward to because I know it will get me one step closer to figuring out how my brain works. Talking about my anxiety is going to be a big part of this blog. It's something I would want to read, so that's why I'm publishing it here. If someone else can read that sometimes I feel like I'm in a car that I can't steer and relate or find comfort in that, then I'll feel like I'm doing something right.
Feel free to comment down below with any question or suggestions you might have, I'd be happy to answer them!
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